


My World's on Fire (How 'bout Yours?)

by Surrealx3



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A lot of Shrek references, Crack Treated Seriously, Genderfluid Loki, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard is an asshole, I don't know what else to say, Literally not doubt about that, Loki Does What He Wants, M/M, Shrek AU, Slow Burn, Tony and Bucky are brotp, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Surrealx3/pseuds/Surrealx3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time, King Howard decided he wanted all prosthetic users to leave his perfect country so he huffed and he puffed and found a convenient way to kick them all out. </p><p>But maybe he'd change his mind if a certain Tony Stark can retrieve his future wife, the Asgardian Princess, Loki.</p><p>The Shrek AU No One has EVER Asked for.<br/>Warning: Unpredictable levels of crack and plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So.... yes, a Shrek AU....

“Hey, Jarv?”

“Yes, sir?”

“I need something to keep me awake. Say something amusing.”

“Well sir, there has been a report of a princess locked in a tower fifty years ago. She is said to be guarded by a fire breathing dragon and stays in the highest room of the tallest tower. Many have tried to save her but none prevailed.”

Tony turned off his welder. “Jarvis. Are you shitting me?”

“I shit you not, sir.”

“Continue.”

“The princess had an enchantment upon her. It is not specified what this specific enchantment is other than the cryptic phrase, ‘by day, one way and by night, another.’”

“Jesus, Jarv, where do you get this shit?”

“Internet, sir.”

“Wow. Continue.”

“It is reported that only ‘true love’s first kiss’ can break this enchantment.”

Tony blinked and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Okay, I must be hallucinating. You did not just say ‘true love’s first kiss.’ I’m going to call it a night.”

“It is five am, sir.”

“A day, then,” Tony waved his AI off dismissively. “Either way, I’m not dealing with shit for the next five hours or so.”

“Very good, sir.”

Tony Stark left his lab, leaving the AI to shut off down everything, and went up to his humble house above ground. The five-hour protocol was put into place, guaranteeing that all doors and windows would stay closed for five hours. And somewhere, in the back of Tony’s head, the thought of a trapped princess lingered.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finds out that Howard is even shittier than he thought.

 

“Stark,” someone shouted, while pounding on the door. “Get your ass up and open this door.”

Tony groaned over his cup of coffee. He shuffled over slowly, cradling his cup close. He opened the door and moaned, “What is it, Barnes? I just woke up.”

 “Your damn father is forcing all prosthetic users out the kingdom.”

Tony woke immediately, eyes going wide with shock. “What do you mean? He can’t do that.”

“Yes, he fucking can,” Bucky huffed, shouldering his way into the house. “He’s disguising it as a ban for unauthorized technology but since he doesn’t even allow the creation of prosthetics, everyone has had to go to you. No one has a prosthetic that’s considered authorized. He’s forcing us and our families out of our homes. Stevie had to stall so I could get out of the house before the search.”

Tony stared at him, coffee forgotten. His hand itched to touch the arc reactor. “You can’t be serious. Even Howard wouldn’t go that far.”

Bucky calmed marginally when he caught Tony’s eye, pity managing to seep through his irritation. “He has gone that far, Tony. We’ll all be out on the streets by midnight.”

The shock drained away and left Tony furious. He pushed his cup into Bucky’s hands and spun around, yelling as he left, “We’re paying this asshole a visit. If he thinks he can do this, then he’s gone senile. JARVIS, let Barnes here into the weapon stash so he can stock up.”

This was exactly why Bucky liked Tony. He didn’t, for a second, think that Bucky was too delicate to go to war again. As much as he loved Stevie, that’s not exactly something the two of them agreed on. But Steve didn’t have to know that Bucky carrying around firearms again. And if Bucky’s smirk was a bit darker than Steve would approve of, well, there was no one around that would tell him.

They reconvened half an hour later, Bucky armed to his teeth and Tony wearing a three-piece Tom Ford and repulsor watches on each wrist but were hidden beneath his sleeves. Tony warned, “Just a disclaimer, he’ll probably sic his guards on us as soon as we step the property. Think you can handle that, soldier boy?”

Bucky grinned, “I should be asking you that. Can you even move in that suit?”

Tony scoffed, “I was born in a suit, Barnes. Nothing better to kick ass in.”

“We’ll see, Stark.” Tony walked ahead of him out the door. “We’ll see.”

 

 

The moment they approached the castle doors, the captain of the guards was there, standing in full armor, gun in hand. He glared at the two while greeting Tony, “It is kind of you to drop by, Prince Tony, but your father has made it very clear that you are not allowed to enter under any circumstance.

Tony rolled his eyes, “That’s cute, Rumlow. Step inside so we can get through.”

Rumlow gritted his teeth, “We are under explicit orders to not allow you through.”

“I would think your safety is more important than your orders, but oh well,” Tony pulled out the repulsor glove and shot him in the chest, “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

That would have pushed the other guards to act if Bucky hadn’t shot all six of them before they could move, guns ablaze in both hands.

“You know, I’ve never really thought of myself as a homewrecker,” Tony grinned, “But after that display, I might just have to fuck you. Just to get it out of system.”

“Not on your life, Stark.”

“I’ll take that as a maybe.” Tony forged forward, blasting the gate open and strolling through. Their combined fire power stopped most of the guards from even getting close. They marched up to the castle doors but found them opening. The two glanced at each questioningly.

“Do you think this is a trap?” Bucky asked.

Tony just shrugged. “Let’s go.”

The walk to the throne room was oddly leisurely, especially compared to the welcome they got. Maids and butlers didn’t spare them a glance. In the throne room, they found Howard reclined in his throne, head tilted thoughtfully.

“Anthony,” he greeted, “And friend. I admit, I’m impressed.”

“We didn’t come here to impress you,” Tony spat, glaring at his father, “We came because of that ridiculous eviction notice you put out. Where do you get off, kicking people out their homes?”

 “Well, Anthony,” Howard clasped his hands together and leaned forward, “I am the King.”

“You’re a tyrant.”

“I could order to have you killed if I felt like it.” Howard’s eyes were completely hollow, looking at his son like he was the dirt beneath his shoes. “I could have every single one of them killed for ruining my perfect country. And your friend there can kill me and let the two of you be executed in the town square. Or he can lower his gun and listen to my proposal.”

 Tony waved Bucky down ignoring his glare of contempt. “What proposal?”

“I have an assignment that only man has returned from and he was unsuccessful. After your display, you may have more luck than any of them. Seeing as I am no longer with an heir, I’ve been looking for a new wife. A council advisor brought to my attention a thousand year of sorceress that’d be trapped in a tower. Whoever retrieves the princess gets her hand in marriage.”

“Let me guess, internet?” Tony replied, patronizingly, “Don’t know how to tell you this, pops but not everything you read online is true.”

“Actually, the king of Asgard sent messengers to every kingdom the moment she was dumped here. It’s been in the archives ever since.”

Tony blinked, vaguely remembering stories about the Asgardians. It was a much bigger deal a century ago but now everyone just walked around with the vague knowledge that aliens exist and want nothing to do with them, save the odd visit every blue moon. “Okay, so princess of Asgard is stuck here and you want us to retrieve her from what exactly?”

“A fire-breathing dragon.”

Tony blinked at him then decided that when an alien sorceress princess is involved, it’s better to take things in stride. “Alright. In exchange for what exactly? You better make this worth our while too. We’re not your everyday delivery boys.”

A squirrely man appear carrying a file and a camera. He handed Tony the file and stood back. Howard replied. “A pardon for everyone violating the new unauthorized technology law and a small sum for any inconvenience caused.”

Tony glared, "Small sum meaning a small fortune, right?"

"Small sum meaning one thousand," Howard supplied.

"Ten thousand," Tony bartered.

"five thousand."

"Twenty thousand."

"Fifteen thousand and you are sorely mistaken if you think I will go higher."

Bucky piped up, “How do we know you’ll go through with this?”

Howard waved for the man to start recording. “The moment Loki of Asgard steps foot in the castle, all those violating the new law regarding unauthorized technology will be pardoned and given a small sum of fifteen thousand dollars for their troubles but not a moment sooner. If, for any reason, you fail to bring princess Loki back, you and your friend here will be considered fugitives and executed on the spot. Do you consider that fair, Anthony?”

Tony looked at the camera, live feed of his momentary hesitance being played on every television in the country. He glanced at Bucky and was met with icy blue eyes of solid determination. He pulled out of his most confident smile and directed it at Howard. “Sounds good to me.”


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry but this is where the story really begins.

“So I’m going to go full suit for this one. You can start packing. Feel free to borrow some clothes since Steve is probably waiting at the door to kill you.” Tony tossed the file to Bucky and went down to his lab. After leaving the castle, there had been crowds awaiting to cheer them on for their quest. Seeing how many people were relying on him only served to fuel his determination.

“Jarv, how’s the Mark V looking?”

The glass case containing the suitcase opened, revealing the Mark V in its hot rod red glory. JARVIS answered, “Ready to go, sir. Also I sincerely hope you succeed on your quest.”

“Aw, thanks, Jarv. Daddy loves you too. Have the traveling car ready for us, sweetums?”

The AI replied dryly, “Of course, sir.”

Tony grabbed the mark V and his toolbox and went back upstairs. After dropping it off at the front door, he followed the noise of raiding to the kitchen. He found Barnes in there, a banana hanging out his mouth while he spread peanut butter on bread.

Tony chuckled, “What, Steve forgot to feed you?”

Bucky glared at him. He took the banana out his mouth and retorted, “He was about to before your old man went batshit crazy.” He bit off the part of the banana that had been in his mouth and cut the rest of it into the sandwich. “So what’s the plan?”

“Hit the road today, find this castle, get in and out as quickly as possible?”

“We’ll be fighting a fire-breathing dragon.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t say it would be quick.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have anything in that lab of yours that would incapacitate a dragon, do you?”

“No, sorry, this whole thing was a tad bit unexpected. Fighting a dragon wasn’t exactly on my to-do list.”

Bucky sat picked up his sandwich muttered before taking a huge bite, “Damn Starks.”

Tony ignored the comment and went into his room to start packing clothes for the trip. He grabbed one of his duffel bags out his closet and hunted for some easy clothes. Half of his t-shirts and sweatpants were already gone, presumably because of the same guy helping himself to his food. When he looked at his underwear, there was a dent made in that too.

“Hey, Buckaroo,” Tony shouted, zipping up his duffel bag and walking out the room, “I don’t think Steve would appreciate you wearing another man’s underwear.”

He walked back into the kitchen to find Bucky downing one of his beers. “Please,” Bucky rolled his eyes at him, “Steve knows you’re more like an annoying little brother that I can mooch off of whenever I like. Are you ready?”

“Yep, the car should be around front.”

Bucky grabbed his duffel bag and followed Tony out the door where a hot rod red convertible was parked. They threw their bags into the back and hopped in, Tony reved the engine just for the fun of it before taking off.

“Okay, Buck, mind looking in the file and tell me where we’re going?” Tony asked, fancy sunglasses and shit-eating grin in place

Bucky opened the file and flipped through it until he found a map. He turned it at different angles a few times before concluding, “Looks to me like fuck-all nowhere. But we’re taking the I-59 South.”

Tony huffed, “Well I can’t say I’m surprised. Pretty sure you have to use the I-59 to get to hell too.”

“Wow, this princess is a beauty. She looks pretty young too. Late twenties maybe.”

“All Howard really wants is someone to feed his ego. Having a young, pretty thing on his arm will do exactly that.”

“And it says here that she was imprisoned by her father.”

“Yeah?”

“What the hell did she do to make her own father imprison her in an isolated tower with a dragon?”

That was a totally reasonable question that had Tony rethinking this entire trip. A dragon was bad enough but a misbehaving sorceress? This was starting to sound more and more like a suicide trip. No wonder Howard chose this instead of outright imprisoning them. And, if they don’t make it back, the people will have someone to blame for the evictions who isn’t Howard. Hell, he was starting to think the whole issue was a way to lure them to the tower. “Howard is a fucking dick.”

“No argument there, Stark.” Bucky sighed, flipping through more of the papers. “But we’re still doing this, aren’t we?”

It sounded more like an order than an actual question. Tony found himself nodded, “What better reason is there to go on a road trip with my favorite one-armed compadre?”


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys meet Loki and the dragon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was pretty much written for my own amusement. 100% of the jokes here made me laugh. If you see mistakes or something, feel free to point it out. I'm self-editing and I'm not exactly amazing at that. Creative criticism welcomed.

 

Finding the castle wasn’t the hard part. No, it was almost a tourist attraction. They repeated ran into signs saying, ‘Princess Loki’s Tower, Next Exit’ and ‘Catch a Glimpse of the Fire-breathing Dragon.’ It was kind of like a thing people might shoot over to see on impulse then continue on their merry way.

No, the hard part was crossing a rickety bridge over a lake of boiling hot lava.

Bucky glanced down and shrugged, “Let’s go.”

“You are out of your fucking mind and I don’t know why Steve puts up with you.” Tony kicked a rock into the lava and watched the heat decimate it.

“Come on, Stark,” Bucky grinned teasingly, “scared of a bit of lava?”

Tony stared at him incredulously, “Did you lose your arm or your mind?”

“Steve says both,” Bucky quipped, stepping onto the rickety bridge. “It’s not stable but it’s stronger than it looks.”

“It’s not stable? I’m not touching anything that’s deemed not stable. I’m an engineer. Stable is one of the most basic requirements. Anything that doesn’t live up to that much is a no-go.”

Bucky sighed, “Fine, I didn’t want to do this but,” he stepped forward, picked Tony up and tossed him over his shoulder like he was a sack of potatoes. “Don’t move too much or I’ll drop you.”

Tony stilled just because of the absolute shock he was in. The Stark army-grade assault rifle strapped to his back was being treated with more dignity. Bucky took advantage of his silence to walk along the bridge, one hand holding onto the railing and the other, metal, one holding onto Tony. One of the planks he stepped on snapped and fell through. Bucky noted its descent with a simple, “oops.” Tony, on the other hand, freaked out.

“What the fuck,” he nearly screeched. Nearly. He struggled to get off Bucky’s shoulder.

“Easy there, Stark,” Bucky scowled, “Do you want to fall next?”

“Oh my god, you’re literally insane,” Tony said, panicked. “Just put me down and we’ll get you some help, buddy. Only the best for you. It’s not your fault you have some cognitive damage.”

“Please, Stark. I’m just not afraid of heights.”

“Heights? Heights he says. Not lava, heights. Are you serious right now?”

“Yep. Completely. And utterly. Serious. About you. Being afraid. Of something. Stupid.” On ‘stupid,’ he dropped Tony on safe and stable land. “Happy now, Stark?”

“Oh,” Tony patting the ground, cementing the fact that he was on the other side of bridge and still alive. “Well. That’s cool.”

“Right, cool,” Bucky snorted. “Come on, Stark. We don’t have all day. Oh, and make sure you get your suit.”

“What,” Tony’s eyes widened in realization. “I could have used my suit. And you knew it too, you asshole.”

“And you’re the genius here,” Bucky shook his head, “Incredible.”

“Ha ha, fuck you,” Tony grumbled. He got out his phone and asked Jarvis, “Mind sending the suit to me, bud?”

The AI answered, “Of course, sir.”

A second later, armor was being formed around him. Once his face plate snapped down, he focused on the highest room of the tallest tower. He could see light coming through an open window. “You don’t think she’ll be in there, do you, Jarv?”

“Her files do point towards it, sir,” Jarvis answered.

“Alright,” he snapped the plate open just so Bucky would see his shit-eating grin. “I’m going to go get the princess, feel free to find the dragon.” He flew off before he could hear Bucky’s retort. He flew in through the window and glanced around at the piles of books surrounding him. Among the books, there was a bed with a canape. Tony could see the silhouette of a thin, lanky princess, sitting straight up in alarm.

“Um, hello,” Tony called, “Princess Loki? Though, I have to be honest, you’re looking a bit more like a prince. Which, nothing wrong with that, I’m sure you still look fantastic. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if you were a prince. Gender is a construct. I’m Tony.”

An undeniably male voice asked, “Do you speak just to hear your own voice?”

“Most would say yes,” Tony answered, just going with the flow because what else was he going to do? “Sooo, am I saving you or not?”

“I suppose,” the voice sounded so put upon, Tony didn’t feel like this rescue was even welcomed. The canape was pushed back, revealing a man with marble skin and long shadow black hair that framed his face. He was wearing a simple dark green shirt and black pants.

Tony tore his eyes away from him at the sound of roaring and crashing coming from below. He snorted, “Looks like Bucky found the dragon.”

“You did not slay the dragon?” Loki asked, his voice a mix of surprise and amusement.

“It’s, uh, on my to-do list,” Tony shrugged sheepishly. “Come on, if you hold on, we can fly down together. Or would you rather take the stairs?”

“No, I am amendable to being flown down with your contraption.” Loki stood up and brushed the wrinkles out his clothes. “How do you plan to slay the dragon?”

“Yeah, about that. Do you have any ideas? We were sort of just winging it.”

Loki looked baffled, for a lack of a better word. Elegant, sharp and completely baffled by the man standing in front of him. “Did you come here on a suicide mission? Who comes to a place like this without a plan?”

“Me, apparently,” Tony admitted. “And my friend, Bucky. He just thought having a good gun and a few knives would be good enough. And I brought this,” he motioned towards the suit, “So we had a plan of attack. It was to attack.”

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose, already exasperated and annoyed by Tony. “To think the only heroic buffoon I’ve met in fifty years is here by luck.”

“Hey, luck and genius and did the noise stop?” Tony looked out the window, feeling a hint of unease creep up on him. The rest of the castle was silent. “Oh no, please tell me the dragon didn’t eat Bucky. Steve is going to kill me. Come on, princess, we have to go, stat.”

“Fine.” Loki stepped up to Tony, eyeing the armor curiously, “You’re a short creature, aren’t you? Shall I simply hold on?”

Ignoring the height quip, Tony grabbed Loki’s waist and said, “Yep, I heard you Asgardians are pretty tough so I’m not too worried about you falling though.”

Adjusting to the additional weight was difficult but Tony managed to safely pilot them out the window and to the front of the castle. Tony’s eyes bugged slightly when he saw Bucky there waiting for them with a dark-skinned man passed out in his arms.

Tony landed letting go of Loki before pointing at the unconscious man in Bucky’s arms and asking, “What the hell…?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky growled. Tony contemplated pushing but Bucky looked like he wanted to punch something in the face and he did not want to be that something. Bucky pointed at Loki and said, “What.” It wasn't a question but it wasn't hard to tell what he was getting at.

“Prince Loki,” Tony shrugged. “Not really our problem, is it? We’re just the delivery boys.”

Bucky shouldered past both of them, grumbling, “Worst fucking quest ever.”


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So now you find out who the dragon is, how they got in that situation and why the All-Father sucks.

 

Bucky ended up buckling the unconscious man into the backseat of their car then sliding into the passenger seat, still scowling. Upon closer inspection, Tony realized the man was wearing the horrid puke green army uniform that Howard recently replaced with something more modern and stylish and there was a patch on his shoulder indicating high ranking. He had “Wilson” patched onto his chest. Loki was hesitantly sat near the man, putting as much space between them as he could.

Tony got behind the wheel and questioned hesitantly, “Um, Buckaroo, mind gracing us with the tale of how the hell you ended up kidnapping a man?”

Bucky gritted out, “I didn’t kidnap anyone.”

Tony’s face did a number of strange acrobatics. “So… how did you end up with this guy?”

“It’s the dragon, is it not?” Loki asked haughtily, “This is the poor fool the All-Father cursed to guard my castle.”

Bucky jerked a finger at Loki.

Tony took the hint to direct his questions to Loki. “So your pops kidnapped a guy?”

Loki looked both pleased and angry at his wording. “He is not my father. And yes, he kidnapped this mortal and a powerful spell to shape-shift him into a mindless beast. He likely doesn’t remember any of these past fifty years.”

“Well that’s just fucking rude,” Tony exclaimed angrily, “This poor guy could have had a wife and kids. Couldn’t he have gotten a real dragon?”

Loki scoffed, “No dragon would waste their time guarding a castle that is not theirs. And the All-Father hardly cares whose life he disrupts as long as he gets his way.”

Bucky spoke for the first time since they started driving, “You and Tony should form an ‘offspring of shitty fathers’ support group.”

Tony snorted, “Yeah, I don’t know about that. We’ll probably never see each other again after we get him back.”

“Ah, yes,” Loki straightened, narrowing his eyes at the two men, “You mentioned being delivery boys. Who exactly are you delivering me to?”

“Tony’s batshit crazy king of a father,” Bucky answered easily. “So you can get married and we can live happily ever after.”

“Your father is a king,” Loki said, speculatively, “So you are a prince?”

“Disowned,” Tony quickly corrected. “He doesn’t like me anymore than I like him.”

“Hence the suicidal errand?” Loki looked oddly pleased. “Interesting. I’m curious about the suit of armor you wore. Where did it come from?”

Tony grinned and Bucky groaned, “Don’t get him started.”

“Hush, Buckaroo, Tony time,” Tony shushed him then went on to talk about the gorgeous work of science that was his armor. He only spoke for about ten minutes before the unconscious man started to toss and turn. Tony stopped mid-word and asked, “Is he okay?”

“Pull over,” Loki muttered, almost too low for them to hear.

“What?”

“The spell is reactivating, _pull over_.”

Startled, Tony swerved off the highway and into a collection of trees, narrowly avoiding hitting one. He watched through the rearview mirror as the man sprouted scales and fangs. Loki and Bucky jumped out the car and he probably wouldn’t have gathered the brains to do the same if Jarvis didn’t open the door and told him to leave the vehicle. He stumbled away, watching with horror as his car was totaled by a damn dragon with dark red, almost black scales.

Tony nearly cried when he remembered, “My suit was in there.”

Loki appeared next to him, cursing in a language Tony didn’t recognize. “The All-Father made his biology ridiculously similar to a real dragon’s. I doubt any of your mortal weapons can take it on. Let’s hope your friend manages to revert him a second time.”

“What?” When Tony looked closer, he did notice that the dragon wasn’t doing anything. Its focus was narrowed on Bucky. Who was talking and smiling like the lady’s man he was joining the army. “Is Bucky fucking seducing the dragon?”

Loki’s voice was amused as he answered, “That appears to be the aim.”

It was working too. The dragon was calm and shuffling closer to Bucky. He reached out with his snout experimentally and relaxed into a pile of goo when Bucky rubbed it. One minute, it was a dragon, the next, a man was stumbling into Bucky’s arms. Like a switch, charming Bucky turned off and asshole Bucky came back, scowling at the man like it was his fault he spontaneously turned into a dragon.

Tony inched closer, staring at the man in Bucky’s arms. He asked Loki, “Shouldn’t he be, you know, naked?”

“Fortunately, magic prevents that from happening when one shapeshifts,” Loki answered. “How shall we travel now that your vehicle is destroyed?”

“Oh, right,” Tony was forced to acknowledge that they were now stuck on the side of the road with a prince/ss and their dragon. “Hitch-hike?”

“While I’m carrying an unconscious guy around?” Bucky scoffed, “Yeah, great plan, Stark. Who wouldn’t stop for us? We just look like a few murders taking a leisurely stroll.”

“The sarcasm is sort of unnecessary, Buckaroo.” Tony frowned thoughtfully. “How about we take a cab?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys were taking so many directions when it came to the dragon and I'm here thinking, 'Should I tell them...? Nah, they'll find out next chapter.'  
> Also, I've been laughing since I started writing this. I don't know why I decided to write it, guess I watched Shrek a few times too many but I regret nothing.
> 
> Anyway, hoped you liked the chapter, comment if you did cause I love to hear from you guys.


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys catch a taxi and the driver decides to not ask questions.

 

When the cab pulled up, Bucky and Tony were sitting in the grass playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ while Loki chimed in every once in a while. Not so surprisingly, there wasn’t a lot of things that the three of them hadn’t done. (“Are you seriously telling me Captain Goodie is into that?” “Believe it or not, Stark, I’m not the kinky one in the relationship.”)

The cab driver pulled up, takes one look at the three of them (plus the unconscious man) and the wrecked car and said, “I don’t want to know.”

Loki said derisively, “We were hardly eager to tell you.”

“Hey, be nice to the driver, princey,” Tony ordered.

Loki huffed and got into the passenger seat, glaring at the driver pointed to keep him from commenting. Once they all squeezed into the car, Tony directed him to the palace.

  It was weird riding in a car next to an unconscious man. It was even weirder when Tony felt him stiffen and groan. Tony and Bucky’s eyes met over him, eyes wide with panic.

“Calm yourselves, he’s only waking,” Loki informed them without even looking back. 

 “That’s not exactly comforting,” Bucky bit out.

Wilson’s eyes fluttered open, lazily taking in his surroundings. His eyes slowly widened as he sat up. His hand flew to his waist, looking for a weapon that wasn’t there. He croaked, “Where am I?”

“A car, heading to the capital,” Tony explained, “We’re, uh, going to find a way to get you home. How much do you remember?”

Wilson’s eyes were foggy, he touched his head like he was trying to get it to work. He sat up, leaning forward, away from Tony and Bucky and nodded gratefully when Bucky cracked open a window to let some air in. He began, “Me and my team were checking out something that landed. Came right out the sky. Looked like a rainbow or something.”

“The bifrost,” Loki provided.

Wilson’s eyes narrowed at Loki. “An old guy, white hair and gold eyepatch, did some hand waving and there was a castle, and lava. Then he looked at me…”

“And that’s when you blacked out,” Tony confirmed.

Wilson nodded, eyes rolling back to him. “Can’t remember anything after that.”

“Oh, okay, well fasten up your seatbelt, buddy ‘cause we have good news and bad news,” Tony tried to smile like the bad news wasn’t fucking awful but Wilson’s eyes just narrowed on him.

Wilson felt around for his seatbelt and at seeing it fastened, nodded to Tony. “Give me the bad news.”

“Well, and you might want to sit back for this, that old man was Odin, alien king of Asgard and he used magic to turn you into a fire-breathing dragon that guards a prince slash princess in a castle surrounded by lava. Also, it’s been fifty years since you were last human.”

Wilson stared at him for a minute. Then huffed a laugh. “You’re kidding, right?”

Bucky snorted disdainfully, “I fucking wish. You as a dragon is a pain in the ass.”

Wilson turned to stare at Bucky, then at Loki, then at the taxi driver. Then back at Tony. “Okay, what’s the good news?”

“We saved the prince slash princess,” Tony said cheerfully, pointing at Loki, “And in the process, sort of saved you. Although may or may not turn back into a dragon at times. We’re still fuzzy on the details.”

“Mama said not to join the army,” Wilson rubbed his eyes tiredly, “She said, ‘Sam, if you join the army, you’re going to be out there looking for trouble.’” He stayed like that, head in his hands. After a while, he finally said, “I don’t know if you guys are telling the truth or just messing with me. Hell, I don’t even know who you are. But I saw the magic myself, this car, the technology, looks unfamiliar and it would be stupid to try to jump out this car. So, assuming you’re being one hundred percent honest, tell me how you changed me back.”

Tony looked at Bucky while Bucky looked straight out the window. “Well Buckaroo knows more about that than I do. Care to explain, Bucky?”

Bucky scowled, “No.”

“Come on, tell me. How did you do it?” Sam persisted.

Bucky sighed. He refused to look Sam in the eyes as he said, “You’re into fellas, aren’t you?”

Tony could _see_ Sam’s brain come to a stuttering halt. He croaked, “Pardon?”

“You’re into fellas. Guys. Men,” Bucky emphasized needlessly. “Nothin’ wrong with that. It’s be hypocritical for me to be homophobic.”

“Okay,” Sam nodded numbly, “How do you know that?”

“Well,” Bucky blushed, “You’re a sucker for compliments when you’re a dragon.”

“Oh,” Sam put his head into his hands, “Oh no. Please tell me you didn’t turn me back by stroking my fucking ego.”

Bucky muttered unwittingly, “I stroked you alright.” At Sam’s noise of abject horror, he hastily corrected, “On your head. I stroked your head. Then you turned back. That’s all.”

“I would hate to interrupt this charming discussion,” Loki inputted, “But compliments and stroking would not be enough to reverse the spell. There must have been a far old magic at work. Perhaps a revival of the Norn-given soulmates.”

Bucky face palmed with his metal arm. “Are you seriously trying to tell us that we’re soulmate?”

Loki shrugged, “Well a display of mutual affection broke the curse so yes, I believe so.”

“I’m married,” Bucky declared, “Happily married. To a great guy. I don’t need a soulmate. No, he's my fucking soulmate. I hardly know this guy.”

“That’s hardly the Norn’s fault,” Loki said, nose in the air. "Also, it is possible to have more than one soulmate. I'm sure your wonderful husband will understand."

 “How soon will we be back at the capital?” Sam asked, not directing the question to anyone specific. He was staring at his hands numbly.

Tony looked out the window at the traffic and setting sun, “Looks to me like we’ll be there somewhere around midnight.”

“Midnight?” Loki sounded alarm, “We have a few more hours of sunlight. Will it really take so long?”

“Yep, or longer,” Tony informed him cheerfully.

Loki demanded, “We will stop for the night.”

“What? No, it’d be quicker to just keep going,” Tony argued.

Loki made a hand motion that Tony immediately felt the effect of. He opened his mouth to yell at him for whatever he did and found his voice gone completely. He still tried to yell anyway even though he wasn’t making a sound. Loki repeated, “We will stop for the night. Driver, drop us off at the nearest nightly accommodations.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even feel obligated to continue this story (which is not something that can be said about most multi-chapter stories I write). I genuinely love writing this story. This makes me laugh. The magic of Shrek is real.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me at on [tumblr](http://ace-diaries.tumblr.com/). Say hi, leave a writing prompt, just whatever. Feel free to leave a review.


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